The time has come, I'm home at last,
Hello! My darling wife,
I've paid for sin, now let's begin,
Another start in life.

I'll never rob. I'll get a job,
You see, I've got a trade.
I'm sure, my dear, the people here,
Need some mailbags made.

I've got a scheme, my little dream,
To keep me out of jail.
It's simple see, like one, two three,
I'm sure it cannot fail.

Depends on you, here's what to do,
Just stick with me and then,
In every way, both night and day,
Remind me of the pen.

Paint the walls, rooms, and halls
A morbid, dingy grey,
And let a gust of wind and dust,
Blow in here every day.

In winter, sweet, turn off the heat,
And let the darkness in,
If it should be too cold for me,
Walk past my room and grin.

Give me a broom to sweep my room,
But cut the handle through,
Give me a light, that's not too bright,
A forty-watt will do.

A table here, a wooden chair,
A rag to wash the floor,
Another thing, be sure to string,
An earphone near my door.

Back there in jail, I used a pail,
To shave with looking glass,
Give me a blade that someone made,
To use for cutting grass!

And, Dear, I hope you'll give me soap,
That never lathers up,
A brush that's tough, hard and rough,
A plain metallic cup.

If you and me should watch T.V.
I mustn't hear the sound,
So yell, my sweet, and stamp you feet,
Then move your chair around.

We'll go to church, but you must search,
This guy when he comes out,
Be on your toes and search my clothes,
Each time I move about.



Each time I wash, be sure to squash,
My clothes up in a ball,
Then put them in a metal bin,
My shoes and pants and all.

Include two socks within the box,
One short and one too long,
Never admit, that they don't fit
Just sneer and say "You're wrong."

A cigarette! O thanks, my pet,
But not a tailor made,
Those years alone, I rolled my own,
On the salary I was paid.

An ash-tray, boss, No thanks, I'll toss,
My butt upon the rug,
A drinking glass, I'll have to pass,
I use a metal mug.

When I am ill give me a pill,
Don't try to understand,
Just send me off to choke and cough,
As long as I can stand.

If I complain about the pain,
Then stare me in the eye,
Say: "O.K. jerk, get back to work, "
"Your kind will never die."

For supper make, a rubber steak
Or serve some leather pork,
Use lots of lard and fry it hard,
Until it bends the fork

Then heap some suds upon my spuds,
Or bake them, my dear, in sand.
Make sure the skin is not too thin,
To break with mortal hand.

Whatever you fix, be sure to mix,
The courses all in one,
Carrots, peas and maybe cheese,
Spill tea upon the bun.

When serving tea it ought to be,
Cold as a Warden's heart,
And make the bread, like heavy lead,
That I can't tear apart.

And when you bake, for goodness sake,
Put raisins in the pies,
But crunch them well, so I can't tell,
The currants from the flies.

It's understood that the pie is good,
With coleslaw on the top,
My memory brings me many thing,
That you can splash and slop.



Now don't you set the table, pet,
For I'm not used to that,
Three times a day, give me a tray,
Then vamoose, beat it, scat.

I'd like it fine, if I could dine,
Inside the bathroom, dear,
By sink and bowl ignore the warmth,
I'm use to that, I fear.

When I have ate, if it's not too late,
I'll walk around the yard,
But I want you to dress in blue,
Pretend that you're a guard.

Or better still, if you will,
Watch me walk up and down,
And give me hell, be sure to yell
"Hey, get in line, you clown."

And when the sun shows the day is done,
Don't come to bed with me,
Many a year, upon the tier,
I slept alone, you see.

And don't you fret, my little pet,
As you may use the den,
We'll shout and call, across the hall,
As I did in the pen.

That mattress is too soft, Gee Whiz,
Get me another kind,
That's full of lumps and many bumps,
That stick to my behind.

The blankets too, will never do,
They're much too soft and fine,
Get me a pair, that horses wear,
And smell like turpentine.

Don't set the clock, and don't you knock,
To wake me anymore,
Just use a gong and bang it long,
Outside my bedroom door.

When I get up, give me a cup,
Of coffee, muddy brown,
And make my toast, pale as a ghost,
Or black as a judge's gown.

You want me home, no more to roam,
Then heed my little tale,
So I'll recall the months and all,
The years I've spent in jail.

Remind me, dear, all through the year,
In everything you do,
And you can bet, a million, Pet,
I'll stay right here with you?.